The long trip home

DISCLAIMER- This post, much like my last one, will contain some profanity...OK...more than some...a lot actually! If you are easily offended, please stop reading now and move on to another post. Otherwise, don't be bitchin' about it later. Enjoy!


Australia is beautiful...or at least what I saw of it. The major cities I visited, Melbourne and Sydney, were gorgeous. The trip out to Deniliquin was picturesque. Gold Coast was stunning. The people I met while there were extremely polite and giving of their time and efforts. All in all, it was a wonderful trip and I cannot wait to get back and visit again. Hopefully, the next time I go I will be able to see even more of the country.

My trip back home...
Holy shit!! I thought the jet-lag was bad going over to Australia. I lost an entire day going there. Seriously. I might as well go ahead and permanently clip March 23 out of my 2013 calendar...it never happened. While in Australia, someone commented that I would "get that day back on the way home"...BULLSHIT!! I left my hotel in Gold Coast at 4:30 am on April 2...travelled a total of thirty hours (including layovers)...and arrived back home at 10:30 pm on April 2. I didn't get my March 23rd back...I just had to experience the same day, April 2nd, for longer than should ever be necessary.
And what a day it was...
To begin with, our hotel apparently sat on the line of two different timezones...and where my clock on my cell phone and the clock in the hotel room were both reading 3:30 am, it was actually 4:30 am. So a mad rush was in order to get my stuff gathered up and out the door to begin the journey home.
---By the way...did I mention that I had only two hours of sleep before getting up to go home?---
We get to the airport and get our boarding passes, and then I make my way to the security checkpoint, where I am told, after waiting in line for almost thirty minutes, that I cannot board the plane with the gift I had purchased for one of my daughters, a didgeridoo (or as she called it, the "blow-through-the-stick-with-your-mouth-and-make-the-wow-wow-wow-wow-noise-thingy"). I was informed that I would have to go back to ticketing and check it. So...
I run back to ticketing to check the damn thing. Lucky for me, all of our checked baggage had not been checked in...we still had some large, over-sized pieces that were being tagged when I got back to the counter. I check the didgeri-whats-it and run, run, run back to security to try to be screened...for the second time. I wait in line for another ten minutes and just as I was putting my stuff on the conveyor belt to have it X-rayed, I hear the final boarding call for my flight. Oh shit...oh shit...oh shit!!! I CANNOT MISS THIS FLIGHT!!!
I get screened, and before I leave the checkpoint, a polite fellow with a badge and strange Indian accent decided he needed to pull me aside and swab my backpack for explosives. A gigantic pain in the ass, but considering that I was looking haggard from a lack of sleep, anxious from the fear of missing my flight, sweating bullets due to my early morning sprint to and from the ticketing counter, AND considering that I'm not a fan of explosive devices being brought on to commercial flights either, I was understanding of the situation and happy to oblige. Two and a half excruciatingly long minutes later, the sensor machine resounded with a happy sounding "ding" accompanied by a green light and I was off to the gate.
Again...I run, run, RUN to the gate to find that I was (seemingly) the last person to get on board. Whew! Just did make it!!
Down the chute, into the plane, and down the aisle...I get in my seat as quickly as possible, stow my backpack under the seat in front of me, buckle my seatbelt, and sit back to hear the announcement from the pilot that there was some last-minute oversized baggage being loaded into the plane and that "we should be on our way in about twenty to thirty minutes." ---Well...SHIT! all that running and panicking for much of nothing!---
Two hours later...we arrive in Melbourne to switch planes for our international flight, the process of which included leaving one terminal, rechecking with ticketing, getting over to the next terminal, being re-screened for security, going through customs and immigration in order to leave (hey, that's how they do it over there...who am I to argue?), and making my way through what seemed like six miles of "Duty-Free" shops to arrive at my gate.

Did I mention that I didn't sleep during that first flight...for fear that I would go completely unconscious and be unable to wake back up to switch planes? Well there you go.
I was looking forward to the next leg...a thirteen hour flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles across the Pacific...it during that leg that I would sleep...or so I thought.

I get on board the plane, get comfy in my seat, review the safety information on the card in the seat pocket in front of me, prepare to drift off into a much needed slumber. Then a flight attendant comes by and asks if I would like something to drink. Crap.
I try to close my eyes and relax again. Then the pre-flight announcement from the lead flight attendant. Damn.
One more time I try to relax. Then the pre-flight announcement from the captain. Shit.
I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath. And then an announcement about frequent-flyer programs and a credit card offer. Really?!? Ugh!!
I was on the verge of drifting off one more time and decided to force myself to stay awake for the rest of the pre-flight bullshit. Another announcement. Then the safety presentation which included a demonstration of how to use the seatbelt and (God forbid) the flotation devices and life preservers. The plane pulled away from the gate, began to taxi to the runway, hit the thrusters, and away we went. Oh...sweet Jesus...thank you for the sleep I am about to receive...
I had closed my eyes and was literally on the verge of drifting away into la-la-land when the flight attendant taps me on the shoulder and inquires about my choices for lunch and breakfast. I was growing more and more irritated, but since this would benefit me and affect my disposition directly, I didn't mind so much.
Off to sleep I go...ahhhhh. Then the lead flight attendant makes another announcement over the intercom...a complete regurgitation of the safety video demonstration from earlier. Really, dude?!? Well...FUCK ME!
I was literally almost asleep when the captain comes over the mic and announces that we would be experiencing some turbulence at hours three, four, six, and eight of our flight, but we should be able to get some sleep otherwise. I could actually get some sleep if someone were to break the fucking microphones in this plane and find a way to shut these fuckers up! UGH!!!
At this point, I found myself too irritated to be able to drift off asleep immediately. I was past the point of no return and wide awake. I might as well watch a free movie or something...
So I watched a movie. And then the turbulence. And another movie. And then lunch service. And more turbulence. And another movie. And then I read a book on my tablet...an entire book! And then another movie...and ANOTHER.
As a side note I must say that when you are sleep deprived, nothing can be more infuriating than seeing everyone around you snoring away and sleeping soundly while you suffer with insomnia.
It was at this point that I decided to watch "The Hobbit". A three hour film...surely I would succumb to exhaustion and be able to drift away to dreamland. Unfortunately, the movie was awesome. Of course...just my luck that I would watch an epic film, hoping to become bored and fall asleep, only to become deeply enthralled in the incredible storytelling and cinematic splendor. Then the movie ended...but the story was no where near finished. No one told me it was a multi-movie epic. Upon discovering that I had been ensnared in an epic film with no real closure at the end of it, but instead met with the implied "To Be Continued...", I literally vocalized my frustration...and much louder than I meant to. Mo-ther FUCK-ER!!
I caught myself and looked around...no one was awakened by my outburst.
I decided to calm myself and try to relax in the hopes that a completely quiet mind would lead to some sleep. It was then that I noticed exactly how uncomfortable a seat cushion can be. My ass was aching. My legs were aching. My back was aching. I certainly hope that those things are better at being an emergency flotation device because they certainly sucked at being a comfortable seat cushion.
I decided to stand up, stretch my legs, and quietly walk a lap through the plane in the hopes that it would make the aching go away and that I could finally relax and maybe get some rest.
I stood up, raised and extended my arms above my head, stretched, yawned twice and started my quiet stroll. Ten groggy steps later, I noticed that the air pressure and my upright stance had caused my insides to feel as though I was about to explode. Really. I felt like I was sitting on a fist. It felt like I was about to give birth to a train wreck. I quickly sought out the nearest toilet only to find that it was occupied. Damn it! I found the next nearest one and...that's right...also occupied! FUCK!! I was dancing.
---Have you ever had that feeling of having to shit so bad that your asshole muscles were cramping, seizing, and convulsing like an olympic powerlifter going for the gold medal? That was me!!! I actually began to break out in "shit sweats"!---
Finally, one of the toilets became available...and just in the nick of time! I hurried in, locked the door, and tried to get my pants down before my asshole exploded like Chernobyl. I sat down thinking that I was about to release a major biohazard into the toilet and then...
Phhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbbttttttttttttttt.
Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! It was only gas. I farted for what seemed like an eternity. Seriously...I had enough hot air blowing out my asshole to power a sailboat to an easy victory in the America's Cup. And that was it. No stench...and no need to wipe, though I did anyway. Nothing but air.
After gather myself back together, I made my way back to my seat only to find that it was even less comfortable than before. I closed my eyes.
I sat there for at least an hour with my eyes closed, and just as I thought for sure that I had begun to drift off to sleep, the cabin lights began to come up and the announcement was made that breakfast would be served shortly. You have got to be fucking kidding me!!!!
Sleep was not in the cards for me...apparently.
I ate my crepes...or actually a thin pancake rolled up around a few blueberries...and sat quietly in my seat hoping that soon my flight would land and I would at least be able to stand on U.S. soil soon. No such luck. I checked the flight monitor. Two more hours of flight before landing. SHIT! DAMN!

I'm not sure when I fell asleep...but I did. I only woke up because the captain was making the announcements of weather, local time, and U.S. Customs protocol at our destination and speakers sounded like they had been cranked up to full volume. I was seriously considering ripping them out of the ceiling at that point.

A very short time later, we landed. Then it was off the plane and onward to immigration. And then to collect baggage. And then to Customs...where I had to explain to a U.S. Customs agent that I didn't owe taxes on the cigarettes in my bag because I purchased them in Alabama prior to my trip to Australia and simply had not smoked them all. Showed him the tax stamp on the bottom of one pack that clearly read, "State of ALABAMA. Taxes paid." For some reason he didn't understand. Either I was so sleep deprived that I wasn't making any sense to him (not very likely) or this guy was a bit of an idiot who only got his gig because someone owed his family a favor...logic seemed to escape this guy with the same amount of expedience as Forrest Gump running from the Viet-Cong...and I'm still convinced that Forrest Gump would seemingly possess an Einstein-esque level of intelligence by comparison. I think he eventually must have realized that my ability to give a fuck was completely gone and that I might actually risk jail time and karate-chop him in the throat if he didn't shut up about the cigarettes, because he shrugged, signed my declarations form and let me through.
Immigration...cleared. Customs...cleared. Bags re-checked...done. Quick trip outside to have a much needed smoke...done. Off to the gate for the next flight to Atlanta...done.
The rest of my journey home was much like the last couple of hours of the trans-Pacific flight...quietly holding back my internal fits of grumpiness with the smatterings of intermittent sleep thrown in for extra irritation.
My four hour layover in the Atlanta airport was without incident...saving of course, my run-in with a couple of really terrible hotdogs from Nathan's Famous. They may be awesome on Coney Island, but they sucked balls in the Atlanta airport!! I suffered through three bites...burned the shit out of my tongue...and upon deciding that it was pointless to continue eating since the ability to taste had been rendered useless due to the searing of my taste-buds, an upgrade if you ask me because they tasted terrible to begin with, I gathered my carry-on belongings and made my way to my gate...which got changed...and changed again...and changed again. Will the insanity never end?!?! Thank goodness there are several smoking lounges in that airport...

Of course, I eventually got to Birmingham...and saw my sweet wife and one of my daughters waiting for me. Holly looked absolutely beautiful and I was so glad to see her. I had only been away for ten days, but with jet-lag, the sixteen hour time difference, and the difficulties of communicating with regularity being hexed from the get-go, I felt like I had not seen her in months. A long, welcoming and comforting hug, and a greatly needed kiss and I was finally home, in spite of still standing by baggage-claim in the airport.
I loved going to visit Australia...but I loved coming home more!!

Trip Down Under

DISCLAIMER... This post may contain some very harsh language. In fact, let's just say that it WILL. If you're easily offended, please stop reading and leave now. Otherwise, don't be bitchin about it afterwards. Enjoy!

So, the guys and I have a few shows in the Land Down Under. It should be a whole lot of fun. It will be my first trip to Australia...so to say the least, I am very excited about the trip, save for one thing...having to be so far away from my wife and daughters.

- Getting Down Under and the loss of time - Day(s?) One
There is something to be said for feeling like you have lost a whole day. It's an entirely different thing to actually skip one. Allow me to elaborate...
I woke up very early on March 22. I had boarded the first of four flights at 10:30am CST. I flew to Atlanta, where I had a layover of about three hours. I then boarded flight number two at about 4pm EST. I then flew to Los Angeles where I had another layover of about two hours. I then boarded flight number three at approximately 8:40 PST and flew to Sydney, Australia.
It was March 22 all day...throughout all of those flights. However, when my flight landed in Sydney at about 6:30am, it was 6:30am on March 24.  THAT'S RIGHT!! By flying over the International Date Line, I had completely skipped an entire day. One whole day of my calendar that I will never get back...actually that I will never get to begin with! There's only one word that describes all of my emotions regarding this particular sensation...SHIT! There has been a discussion with the guys as to whether or not we will "make it up" on the way home. Personally, I think that the 23rd of March, 2013 just managed to disappear into the ethos. It's as if David Copperfield himself was on the flight and decided to amuse himself by shelling out a little prestidigitation..."Hey everyone! Want to see something cool? Alakazam!! Ta-dah...Now it officially the day after tomorrow!!" REALLY, DUDE?!?! What if I had something important to do specifically on March 23, 2013? Well I guess those plans are forever fucked up!! The way back home an entirely different encounter with the space-time continuum...I will wake up and board a flight that leaves at 6am, I will travel for approximately twenty-six total hours, and arrive at my final destination on the exact same day that I left. Trust me when I tell you that it IS possible!! Oh...I've done the math...it's going to happen!!

The trip getting to Australia was pretty uneventful, as most of my travels involving airports can be. I love people-watching...and airports possess no shortage of people-watching. The airports this day would not disappoint! During one of my layovers, I happened to notice this pair of twenty-something aged women who kept walking back and forth at various intervals in front of my perch at my gate. One of them had what I would call a "million dollar booty". I am not being disrespectful by saying this, I mean the thing probably had a gravitational pull of its own. It was the kind of booty that women like J-Lo and the Kardashians would be envious of. I couldn't help notice it...this was exacerbated by the fact that the woman was wearing really tight yoga pants that had to be two sizes too small, and a tight, pink, "wife-beater" tank-top shirt that had Hello Kitty on it...though it should have said "Hello Titty" because it was barely capable of containing this woman's breasts. I believe in dressing comfortably for air travel, but the outfit this woman had chosen for her day of travel would have raised a few eyebrows of disapproval at even the sluttiest of gyms...and street corners.
I wasn't staring at this woman's ass...I swear. It was kind of like looking at the sun; you get a sense that it's there but you never look directly at it. However, she apparently noticed that I had noticed and at one point stopped and glared at me, almost as if to say, "Fuck off you creeper!" I was unaware of reacting, but I must have because she then gave the look of "Yeah, you...asshole!" I looked away and went on with my random people-watching, but I did happen to overhear the now perturbed woman telling her friend that the creepy guy was staring at her ass, to which her friend replied with this...
"In those pants? What did you think was going to happen? If you don't like it, maybe we should find a place to sit down."
Absolute brilliance and brutal honesty. I love it! However, I sort of got pissed after that...I mean, there's a certain level of personal responsibility that comes with wearing an outfit like that, and this woman was upset that she achieved the desired effect, and then wanted to be bitchy about the fact that some random guy noticed the way her too-tight-for-yoga pants made her ass look...
My wife and I have created a sick hobby of people-watching and joking with each other that some folks obviously don't ever look in a mirror before leaving the house, or if they do, they choose a path of denial and convince themselves that what they have chosen to wear out in public is actually a good idea. C'mon...you know you've done it too -seen someone in a public place, wearing something completely inappropriate, and saying under your breath, "What the fuck were they thinking?"
I will go on record now and tell you that I am the last person on earth to give any kind of fashion advice...I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy...always have been...deal with it. But I do know what is and is not appropriate for public attire. Obviously, the yoga pants woman had failed to choose wisely, or at the very least had failed to accept accountability for her lack of self-dignity. I've seen professional, long-term, toothless crack whores working a street corner that have a deeper sense of dressing appropriately than this woman...and they certainly would never get pissy about someone noticing that they are dressed like a whore!

So...after four flights, three layovers, dealing with Australian Customs authorities, having not slept very well during the flights over, all while managing to completely skip an entire day, I finally arrived with my comrades in Melbourne. We got to the hotel without incident. However, once at the hotel, I had to wait around for an additional two hours to get into my room...that sucked...a lot. While I waited I figured out that I had not gotten any real rest for well over twenty-four hours. In order to get my internal clock reset to local time and to try to get beyond the jet-lag, I had to keep myself awake for a good long while...going to bed at or after 10pm local time, would help me sleep through the night waking up refreshed and with some sense of normality. To help myself keep awake, what did I choose to do?
...BLOG.

---Currently, while I am writing this, I am dead tired. The word exhausted does not even begin to express how tired I am. I feel like total shit. I'm on the verge of delirium and collapse. I'm quite convinced that what I am feeling is very similar to coming down from a two-week cocaine bender, the biggest differences being that my sinus cavities are fully intact, I actually have money in my wallet, and I haven't touched any substances that could be deemed even marginally questionable other than the chicken marsala that I ate on the plane. Currently, I have at least two more hours before I can allow myself to go to bed. Perhaps these two photos can sum it up...

------I miss my wife and daughters terribly. In spite of being very excited to be in Australia, I am already extremely anxious to get back home.
Incidentally, I have so far, found the Land Down Under to be very interesting and beautiful, and the locals here in Melbourne to be extremely friendly, courteous, and helpful. I hope to be well rested in the morning and capable of enjoying it more, and while I am in no hurry to leave immediately, I have already been counting the days, hours, and minutes until I can wrap my arms around my family and give them sweet kisses!

the 2nd Amendment...

All the talks of gun control and the 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution have inspired this post. In the wake of tragedies our President has tried to introduce some sweeping policies to "help" curb gun violence. In reality, his proposed policies would only serve to infringe upon several basic rights that our forefathers so carefully fought to establish and preserve. Is it really too much to ask to get to the root of the real issues that spawn such tragedies.
So...with all of the gun control talk going on in the media and everywhere, I became inspired to read our Constitution. And then I read it again. And again. I even went and purchased a written copy from the local bookstore. And read it many times again.
The 2nd Amendment gives us (that would be WE, THE PEOPLE, by the way) the right to keep and bear arms. More specifically, it says this:

A well regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

It does not specify which kinds of arms are allowed and which are not. It does not specify that only a certain capacity of rounds be allowed. It does not specify that these arms should only be used for hunting or for certain types of sport.

What the 2nd Amendment does say is that WE, THE PEOPLE, shall always have the right to keep and bear arms. This amendment was put into our Constitution for our own protection. Not from each other; not from large animals in the woods; but, rather from the government itself.
Our forefathers had enough sense to realize that things could go horribly awry one day. They had enough sense to see into the future and predict that one day, a person or a group of people could become so engrossed with the pursuit of power, and the pursuit of that power could damage or completely do away with what was so valiantly and courageously fought for back in the 1770's. Our founding fathers had enough sense and sensibility to see the potential for everything going to shit; the potential for the entire country going straight to hell in a hand-basket...and they also had enough sense and sensibility to give WE, THE PEOPLE, a way out.
The 2nd Amendment is the safety net provided to us all, should it become necessary to defend, fight for, and die for our freedoms again. Not just from outside threats to our freedoms...remember, our forefathers fought for their freedom from the tyrannical and corrupt government they were being ruled by at the time.
This right to bear arms does allow for us to protect ourselves. However, it is not just from the small few of WE, THE PEOPLE (the ones that engage in criminal activities) that the 2nd Amendment protects us. The 2nd Amendment also, and in my opinion, most specifically grants us the right to protect our rights and freedoms should our government become overly corrupt and tyrannical and seek to permanently take those freedoms away from us.

Christmas is...

...literally right around the corner.

I'm done with my shopping.

Ok...I'm almost done with my shopping. I always feel as if I haven't done enough for those that I'm shopping for.
Even if I were independently and obscenely wealthy (which I'm not), and were to spend insane amounts of money on those whom I love so much (which I cannot), I'm sure I would feel the same way as I do ever year at this time.

And then there are those on my list for whom shopping is damn near impossible. We all have people in our lives to whom that applies...be it the holiday season or not. Those are the people for whom you sincerely never know what to get. Maybe it's because they have everything they could ever want. Maybe they already have all that they need. Maybe we, the shoppers, are wholly and totally insensitive to the wants and desires of our loved ones. Maybe when asked they simply replied with, "Thank you, but I don't really want or need anything".

Incidentally, that's exactly what I did to my lovely wife and two beautiful daughters. I know that I have frustrated them to no end this holiday season.

...but I really don't want anything for Christmas. Ok...there is one thing I do want...

...to wake up in my own bed, next to my amazing wife, and then have breakfast and hang out with her and our kids while we shower them with gifts and love on Christmas morning.

That's it. That's all I really want for Christmas.

Though I could (and maybe should) probably ask for some new socks and underwear. Funny how, as a kid, that seemed like the worst gift in the whole world.
C'mon...I'm not the only one. We've all been there...eagerly sitting in the family room with everyone around you, staring longingly at the gift from your favorite grandparent, hoping that inside will be the greatest gift in the world...the gift...the only thing you really truly wanted that year. You intentionally saved it for last because you just knew that special package contained overwhelming amounts of awesomeness. You shook it to see if you might be able to divine its contents, carefully removed the stick-on bow, took a deep breath and tore past the neatly pleated, folded, and taped paper, snapped the tape that was keeping the box held shut, ripped the box open only to find a fresh new set of Fruit of The Looms and a three-pack of athletic socks...all while your favorite grandparent smiled at you as if they had just given you a enormous sum of money and the keys to FAO Schwartz.
And, of course, you just smiled, said thanks, and hugged your now-least-favorite grandparent...all while thinking quietly to yourself, "Worst...Gift...Ever".

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...now that I'm an adult, the idea of getting socks and underwear seems like the most thoughtful gift in the world. I mean...they do wear out. Most of us will wear our socks and underwear until they have more holes than a pile of Swiss cheese. They do need to be replaced from time to time. It truly is a practical gift considering that most of us don't even bother replacing old under-garments until they have disappeared or disintegrated.
...Such practicality in gift-giving makes me now think that my grandparents were freakin' geniuses.

The Bucket List

Just in case you haven't heard, or aren't familiar with the term...
"Bucket List" is a slang term for that list of things you want to do or accomplish before you die.

Recently, during an interview with one of my favorite local reporters, I was asked about my personal bucket list and what kind of things are on it. I can't remember the exact answer I gave, however, after much thought and deliberation over the matter...the answer I gave may have been too vague, esoteric, and not at all the type answer that the interviewer was looking for. So -for my friend, Mary, who was so kind to put me on the spot, and was also so forgiving and patient with my candid, yet ambiguous answer- I have amended my response.

I have decided to include some of my bucket list items here in this post. Please bear in mind that this is not a complete bucket list, and certainly not listed in any particular order. So here goes...


*Visit places of archeological antiquity-
       ~ Great Pyramid of Giza
       ~ Stonehenge
       ~ Machu Picchu
       ~ The Acropolis
       ~ Easter Island
       ~ Ankor Wat
       ~ Chichen Itza
       ~ Petra
*Drive a race car...a REAL race car...REALLY FAST!!
*Go skydiving...in spite of being scared shitless of heights.
*Play shows at notable venues-
       ~Hollywood Bowl
       ~Red Rocks
       ~Madison Square Garden
       ~The Meadowlands
       ~BJCC (my hometown's big arena)
*Win a Grammy Award
*Write and record my own jazz record.
*Tour the entire Smithsonian Institute.
*Learn to play jazz piano.
*Make music with some of my musical heros (here's the short list)-
       ~ Sting
       ~ James Taylor
       ~ Willie Nelson
       ~ The Allman Brothers Band
       ~ Kenny Loggins
       ~ Michael McDonald
       ~ Branford Marsalis
       ~ John Scofield
       ~ Larry Goldings
       ~ Oteil Burbridge
*Be a great dad.
*Be a great husband.
*Be a great friend.
*Be remembered as a good person.
*Tell "the one that got away" how I always felt about her.
*Marry my very best friend.
*Become the best musician/drummer that I can be.
*Perform as a clinician at PASIC.
*Own a few hot rods-
       ~'34 Ford
       ~'35 Chevy
       ~'40 Ford
       ~'49 Mercury
       ~'57 Chevy
       ~'60 Corvette
       ~'65 GTO
       ~'67 Impala
       ~'68 Camaro
       ~'69 Charger
       ~'70 Oldsmobile 442
*Learn to fly an airplane.
*Learn to scuba dive.
*Write a novel...one that people will actually read.


Well...that's all I could come up with in one short sitting. I'm sure if I gave it more than five minutes thought I could come up with plenty more to add to this list. I'm also sure that you've noticed that a few items have already been marked off the list. I did that because they have always been on my bucket list...even before I knew to call it a bucket list. I also wanted to show that if effort and hard work (as well as a little good luck) is put into it, one can actually mark things off a bucket list...and not just in a last ditch effort to feel as if life hasn't passed you by.

We only get one ride on this roller coaster called life...it goes by quick, so make it count. What's on your bucket list? Do you even have one? Make one and see how many items you can scratch off before you die.

fixing America's problems

fiscal cliff, tax hikes, taxing the "wealthy" their fair share...UGH!!

Alright, I'm probably going to piss off a few folks with this post, but I have to say what I'm going to say here...so buckle up. I'm not asking anyone to agree with me, though if you do, that's fine. I am merely offering a humble opinion based on what I deem to be common sense. If you disagree with me, that's fine as well, you are more than welcome to your own opinions...this one happens to be mine.


Here are some light facts that have gone grossly undisputed: America has borrowed trillions of dollars, our politicians regularly spend way more than is brought in, and a fiscal cliff is looming in the distance.

What exactly is a fiscal cliff? I sincerely have no idea. It probably is some random term created by a spin-saavy politician to inject fear into our hearts and minds. What it means, however, is that the country is in a world of shit, financially speaking, if we don't truly fix the problems that have created it.
When the deadline arrives, if there isn't policy in place that changes the course of things, taxes will go up (for all of us) and spending cuts are eminent. This is going to happen because we will have no choice. The "bills" are coming due and there will be no other way to pay them if these things don't happen. As I understand it, these things were postponed by policies put into place during President Bush's term. This only postponed the problems, pushing them all to a back burner until they simply had to be dealt with, and by someone else entirely.

So what are our duly elected leaders doing about it? Well...negotiating, which means, for the most part, not much of anything. More than ever before we need for our politicians to put the needs of the country as a whole in front of the needs of the handfuls of constituents that will potentially re-elect them. We need for our elected officials to step up and do the right things. Instead, what we will more than likely get will be a bunch of political rhetoric that passes blame back and forth, and nothing will really be done to solve the problems...which generally seems to be overspending. There will also be lots of "negotiating" that will, in reality be the result of several politicians bickering over whether or not they want to make key spending cuts that will most certainly affect their ability to get re-elected.

The finger pointing needs to stop...along with several other things.

So let's look at the tax situation...
There are miles and miles of tax code. If you have ever tried to read any of it, you know exactly how dizzying and overwhelming it can be to understand it. Our taxation system is completed screwed up, and keeps getting worse by the year from all of the loopholes, and the loopholes to close the loopholes that are created by politicians so that everyone feels like they are getting pinched but no one really gets pinched too bad as to want to not live here anymore.
The guidelines by which the multi-tiered system we have in place now is...well...highly antiquated. I'm sure that at the time it was all laid out, there was far less inflation and the threshold for the upper tier of taxable income seemed like a whole lot of money to make on a yearly basis. Perhaps the entire thing should be re-scaled to accommodate and account for all the years of gradual inflation. To simply say that we need to tax the "wealthy" so that they will be paying their "fair share" is childish and ludicrous at best. For many hard working Americans who find themselves in the position of making just enough money to be in that upper tier, the thought of paying more in taxes is downright painful. Those particular people who just barely make enough to be taxed at the highest levels, they find themselves in the awful position of finally, after years of hard work and dedication, being able to comfortably provide for their families, only to hear that they are considered to be (overly) "wealthy" and now have to be taxed even more. I can assure you that those who find themselves just above that threshold don't consider themselves to be "wealthy" by any stretch of the imagination; especially if they have kids of any age, but even more so if those kids are getting their college education on mom and dad's tab.
For years when I was much younger, I made shit money. I doubt that I broke the poverty level for several of those years. During those years when I was somehow getting by on less than 15K a year, someone who made over $50K a year seemed "wealthy". I'm sure that to someone who is barely getting by at $50K, the appearance of wealth begins at $100K. To someone at $100K, that semblance of wealth is $200K. However, wealth is all relative to what you are currently making versus what financial commitments you are responsible for versus how much you are actually able to save and put aside for savings and/or retirement.
Truth is, I don't have that much more financial flexibility now than I did when I was earning below the poverty level many years ago. I still have bills that still have to be paid. I still have to budget my money wisely. What little bit of financial flexibility I do possess is not as a result of making more money than I used to, but rather the result of wiser choices and greater responsibility with my finances. As far as taxes go...because I have always been considered "self-employed", I have always been hit with the highest tax liability allowed...which translates into losing over half of my income to taxes by the time federal and state agencies got their share of my hard-earned money.
True, we need tax reform...but not in the way that Capitol Hill would have you believe is fair and just taxation.

To better describe where we currently are, I think a decent analogy is in order...

Imagine that you and ninety-nine other random people of all demographics, creeds, and age are standing at the edge of a very large field that contains tons of fruit and vegetables that are ripe for the picking. The farmer who owns the farm has agreed to allow every person one full hour to go out and pick as much produce as they can carry, and that produce shall be what they use to provide for their families for an entire year.
A small number of the one hundred people are elderly, sickly, or with small children and are basically unable to work so it is agreed that everyone who is going out and picking will collectively contribute to the welfare of those who cannot fully provide for themselves.
You, and everyone who is picking, go out and pick your produce. Everyone who goes out and picks brings back varied amounts of produce. Some only bring back fifty pounds. Some manage to bring back over a hundred pounds. You happen to be very smart and strong and drag a small cart out into the field and manage to bring back over two hundred and fifty pounds of fruit and vegetables back to the edge of the field. It seems that several others were very enterprising as well and have brought similar amounts.
You already were aware that you would be giving away some of your produce to help those truly in need, but upon returning to the barn, the farmer informs you that there were more than several able-bodied people who simply refused to go out and work. Instead, they sat back and did nothing, all while claiming to not be able to go out and work. The farmer informs you that you and the few others that picked over two hundred and fifty pounds of food will have to give over one hundred pounds (that's 40% by the way) of the produce you just picked to help compensate and feed those who simply decided they wouldn't go and work. This, of course, leaves you with just one hundred and fifty pounds of produce to feed your family with for the whole year.


A flawed analogy, I know...but it does illustrate a few simple points.

So...do you still think that the wealthy are not paying their "fair share" of taxes? For some of you, I will concede to the notion that we will have to agree to disagree.
So let's approach it this way...Why don't we all pay the same percentage amount in taxes? Do you get pissed when someone in church tithes less than you (provided, of course, that everyone is tithing 10%)? No. Of course you don't. You understand that ten percent is ten percent no matter what.
What if we used a similar approach to taxes? How about an amount that manageable by all...say 15%? No write-offs...no credits...no deductions...no exceptions. Everyone would be paying the exact same percentage...and regardless of how the money was made.

Only then would everyone would be paying a fair share.

The formula for calculating it all would be simple...
Question A: How much money did you make last year?
Question B: What is 15% of the answer to question A?
Ta-daaaaah! The entire U.S. Tax code could be reduced to one, mind-numbingly simple page.

What about corporate taxes, you ask?...Almost as simple.
Question A: How much money did your company make last year?
Question B: How much money did your company have to spend to earn that money? (and corporate profit bonuses paid to executives don't count!)
Question C: Subtract answer B from answer A. This is your company's taxable income.
Question D: What is 15% of the answer to question C?

Damn...I think I just used common sense to reduce both the personal and corporate tax codes to one short page of mind-numbingly simple, logical rules.

Ahhhh....but this leads us to the next part of fixing America's issues...SPENDING CUTS!!!

We, the people, in order to have a better grip on our lives without having to rob Peter to pay Paul, have to budget ourselves. We know about how much money is rolling in on a regular basis. We know about how much money is going to be rolling out. We know that we have to set some aside for that rainy day. We know that we can't spend more than we bring in...
Common sense, right? I agree.
Why can't our politicians do the same thing with our national budget? Oh yeah...it's because they haven't balanced a budget for our country in twenty years!! Yep, that's right!!
I'm not saying we should do away with some of our entitlement programs...in fact I'm saying we should keep them, provided that we can find money in the budget to pay for it all. The basic problem is this...our politicians keep finding more ways and places to spend our tax dollars. However, we don't really have any more money coming in than we did last year. If we ran our household budgets like our government runs our national budget, we would all be homeless, unemployed and broke as hell by now!! If our elected officials treated our national budget with the same care that some of us have to treat our personal budgets, we would see a whole lot less unnecessary spending. Some senator would go to the hill demanding money for his new entitlement program, and the folks in charge of the dough could tell that senator the same thing that was told to to Kevin Klein's character in the movie "Dave"..."Find the money in the budget, and you can have your program."

Sure, this country needs to have a budget and stick to it. Sure, there are plenty of government programs to cut money from. Sure, we could make military cutbacks, however, I don't believe it would be prudent or wise to cripple our military's ability to properly defend our great nation. Sure, we could cut and cut and cut...but the inherent problem still remains. Politicians are not being forced to maintain and live by a balanced budget. They are also not stopping the creation of new entitlements. We need to quit creating new ways to spend the tax dollars that are not coming in. We have allowed a new, socialized health care system to be passed and soon to be put into action, but with no real way to pay for it. I'm not going to argue whether we do or don't need ObamaCare...I'm simply going to point out that our politicians allowed it to be passed without first having the funds to pay for it.
When will our politicians learn to use good judgement and common sense, and quit approving spending for new entitlements? Hopefully before we are all being taxed at much higher than 40%.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Black Friday...
Hell no I don't participate in it. Do you think I'm crazy?!?

Umm...Don't answer that yet...

I choose to not participate in it. Not because I don't like finding great stuff on sale (I do love to buy stuff at a great price), more because I hate being in the middle of large, unpredictable crowds. People watching is always fun however, but only from a safe distance of the actual crowd itself.

I'm sure that at some point in the coming days and weeks I will hear a news report of someone getting trampled because they hesitated when the doors flung open or beat down because they tried to take the last sale item from the shelf at the same time that another exhausted, disgruntled shopper did.

While there are aspects of Black Friday that can be saddening, I'm almost ashamed to say that I find certain aspects of Black Friday comical in some ways.

Almost.

Don't misunderstand me...I hate to see people getting hurt while innocently trying to fulfill the Christmas wishes of a loved one, however the absurdity of the scenario can be bewildering and laughable if your humor is twisted enough. Why anyone would feel the need to ignore the basics of humanity and good nature all because they feel bizarrely entitled to purchase that item at that time is beyond me. Incidentally, for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, anyone crazy enough to spend several days camped out in the parking lot of a store, depriving themselves of rest, decent nutrition, and sanity, all so they can get inside and start shopping at the stroke of midnight is...well...probably crazy enough to beat you down for trying to take that last sale item on the shelf and probably is too exhausted and malnourished to realize that the manufacturers have made more than is physically there at that time. And who is more at fault...the naively deranged shopper that sincerely thinks that they won't get beat down over that stupid toy or flat screen tv, or the other deranged shopper that feels it's necessary to beat someone down because they themselves weren't quick enough on the draw when reaching for the shelf? And what about those half-crazed folks that do the Black Friday shopping because they see it as a challenge? When did shopping become a competitive event? And exactly how do you win? Is there a Black Friday Shopper's League? Are there unified rules that apply everywhere? Can these rules apply in a regular grocery store or convenience store? What about all of those Black Friday deals...why don't liquor stores have them? Is there a required uniform for team play? Where are the referees during all of this shopping?
All of these Black Friday shoppers...Don't they all realize that there is a thing known as the internet, and on that thing called the internet there are online vendors that are more than happy and willing to sell those same items for the same price AND guarantee delivery well before Christmas? Aren't they aware of the money they would save by not burning gas driving to the mall, buying camping supplies, buying overpriced fast food, etc.?
You're right...they probably aren't all that aware. Maybe they aren't all that into actually saving money after all.


However, in spite of it being Black Friday, and in spite of our general distaste for getting in the midst of the insanity, Holly and I did do a small bit of shopping today...
We went and purchased our Christmas tree for this year. This, has become a bit of a family tradition at our house. For us, Black Friday means it's time to go to the local Christmas tree farm, pick out a tree that we deem to be cute and full of personality. It doesn't have to be the perfect tree; anything between the one at Rockefeller Center and Charlie Brown's puny little tree will always do.
Today we went and picked ours out...not too tall, not too full, not too thin. Later, we strung the lights and decorated the tree with ornaments. I even got crafty and actually made some of the things we put on the tree (though, at one point Holly was laughing to the point of tears...at me. Still not sure why, but it did involve a me, a step-ladder, a giant bow that I helped make, and deciding whether or not to have a "pokey-stick-thingy" protruding through the top of the bow). Holly also pulled out various decorative items to place around the house...

Yep...it's definitely beginning to look a lot like Christmas. At least around here.